We're essentially 'given' birth. Humans aren't beings who do an out-of-body pre-design of who they'll become, then re-enter a body and pop out saying "Ta-da!" The state of being already designed is, in fact, 'me.'

This topic often leads to the issue of free will. Do our choices truly contain purely self-initiated decisions? For example, if I decide, "I'm going to be a good person!" and help others, is that genuinely my will? Or is the very background that led to that decision a product of my genes and environment? Once you start asking these kinds of questions, there's no end to them.

Depression is similar. No one 'chooses' to be depressed. Though, for me, when I'm fully immersed in a depressed state, I sometimes feel a strange comfort. But even that tendency wasn't something I created. It's more like I was "subjected to the fate of being born with this predisposition."

What frightens humans the most is "pain we have to endure unwillingly, even though we didn't choose it." This kind of pain can include violence in relationships that went wrong or were unavoidably formed, or poverty, among many other things. But today, I want to talk about appearance. 

Appearance is almost the number one factor that makes people self-conscious. But it's not just about being 'handsome or ugly.' The core of appearance as a source of pain is how well the appearance's inherent 'character' harmonizes with one's actual personality, and how smoothly and comfortably they can blend into society.

For example, even if someone has an unattractive appearance, if there's a touch of humor on their face and they genuinely enjoy making people around them laugh, then that appearance functions quite well. Simply not meeting beauty standards doesn't necessarily cause life's inconveniences.

The problem is that people form impressions based on appearance and treat others accordingly. When a gap starts to form between the treatment I desire and the impression my appearance creates, that's when my looks become a hindrance. Even if two people say the exact same thing, depending on their appearance, one might hear, "This person just feels trustworthy!" while the other hears, "I can't quite trust them..." It's truly unfair to be on the receiving end of that mistrust, but in real life, it's very common for the meaning of actions to be perceived differently because of appearance. 

"You shouldn't judge people by their looks" is true. But in reality, people aren't "trying" to judge. Rather, they get an impression based on an instinctive aesthetic sense, and that impression creates a reaction with their emotions. How could it be a judgment to see a beautiful flower and think, "Wow, it's pretty!" or to want to take a picture with it because it's "so pretty!" 

For instance, red suits some spaces better, and a triangle feels more natural in others. Expecting people's senses to perceive it 'the same way' if you paint it blue or forcibly put a square there can be unrealistic.

"Even though I look this way, don't confine me to this appearance" is a fair request that any human can make. However, as beings with a form, and as animals that perceive each other through the sense organ of 'eyes,' it's hard to be completely free from the shackles of appearance.

Most people don't see their own appearance objectively. "I'm ugly" is often a preemptive defense to avoid getting hurt, not a form of meta-cognition or a cold, hard self-assessment.

Generally, people don't really know how they look, and they fall for someone for no apparent reason, or get rejected without knowing why. Sometimes they experience mutual love and don't know how much their appearance played a role. They just build affection and maintain relationships, unaware of the percentage their looks contribute to their human connections. Healthy, normal people just live that way, without knowing why. 

But the moment one's sensitivity to appearance awakens, it becomes a huge issue in life. As I said, depression isn't about becoming foolish; it's about becoming too smart.

Things you would have normally just vaguely overlooked become excessively clear, and you start to perceive reality exactly as it is. That's what depression is. You might think it's terrible, but once that sensitivity awakens, you can't go back. There's nothing harder than trying to un-know something you already know. That's why once you fall into depression, it's so hard to get out.